Relating to Toxic Shame: Compliance and/or Rebellion

 Wow oh wow oh wow! There is a lot for me to learn about myself and my family here… again! I was a great deal of the comments on both of these categories (see pics below from book) in childhood, teenage hood, early adulthood,… and possibly a little bit today even still. I distinctly remember times as a teenager, as a missionary, as an undergraduate student, as professional student in dental school, and as a soldier dentist. 

 Those who know me might wonder, “What shame?!?   You’re an amazing guy.”

 Most of my years in elementary school I was called names for having a small body and excessively large head: egg head, potato head, etc.  Sure, I brushed it off and outwardly proclaimed as my mother taught me, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” and moved on, but I’m realizing right now that doesn’t mean damage wasn’t done. It’s amazing how my psyche doesn’t want to think about it, much less make my story public. But, if I don’t share  my story of learning and growing in the process of this adoption, it won’t be there to help someone else who might want or need it.  Plus, I think it will help me grow faster. The faster I grow, the more my entire family and myself benefit, including the children we are adopting. 

 As a teenager, I avoided most kids my age and hung out at work or at gymnastics. Both environments were with like-minded people that didn’t make fun of acne  or try to convince me that I wasn’t normal because I didn’t want to smoke or drink, etc.  On the bright side, I earned a lot of money, and got in really good shape!   In those years I developed a dream to go to the Olympics as a trainer. Though that is no longer a goal, I work on this post during breaks of my workout in my basement gym and look at part of a fence cover from the Olympics in Atlanta. Those years developed my love for work and fitness.

 As a missionary, I was insanely zealous to please. I memorized scriptures like nobody’s business, etc. I sought to be the ideal missionary.   My focus, I believe, was more on wanting to be accepted, and less on loving and serving… though I did a great deal of that. It should’ve been the other way around. That’s OK though. I’m learning and growing. It’s good to understand a little bit about why I did what I did.

 Undergraduate years were similar to missionary years with a little touch of teenage years. 

 Professional years: definitely a combination of compliance and rebellion. Part of that still shines in me. Some examples: I was called into an office and reprimanded for getting my patient to laugh for a few minutes, and told that it was unprofessional and  therefore disrupted the rest of the clinic. Similarly today, I love to laugh with my customers and rock out to music while we work! In school I wore a flashy, shiny, pleather red jacket (that use to belong to a pimp) to social events and graduation.… and graduation photos: that was almost denied, but I had half of the faculty that approved my choice and independence, so the school let it slide. Today, most of my office doors are painted red in spite  of being educated that red does not belong in a dental office. Fortunately, my customers love it.… some rebellion pays off!

 As a soldier: during my residency, one of the specialists had a primary goal of getting underneath my skin.   My thoughts towards him were definitely not friendly. In Iraq I was threatened with an article 15 for not getting  my haircut after three days of requests.  Another time in Iraq I was moved from one post to another because I was rebelliously not wearing my hat in the dark and  made a joke about it the next day. 

 Sadly, my lack of overcoming internal shame due to earlier loss and social rejection has also had an impact on my relationship with my children and my wife because it has kept me from being who I could be if I had already overcome it.  All relationships are like a beautiful flower: they develop overtime, they thrive in an ideal environment and can survive when times get hard, and they follow happy sunshine! Thank goodness for resiliency, forgiveness, change, and growing love.

 Perhaps bullying in my elementary and teenage years, the death or loss of my grandmother who lived with us, then the death or loss of my mother, our uniting to have my biological family with four siblings joined to my step family of seven children and the addition of my little half sister (“Strawbabe”) resulting in no longer being “mommies little tiger” with lots of personal time with a mom, the loss of my friend to suicide, or other events I’m not currently thinking of both individually and cumulatively contribute to various levels of internal shame.

 Questions I asked in my subconscious mind:  

* What if I wasn’t born two months premature resulting in my large and elongated head? Would I still be the “miracle baby”?   Could I have been a cool kid instead of being made fun of in my early years? 

* I know my mom’s suffering from cancer and ultimate death were just part of life, but did I love her enough? Could I have done more to ease her pain? Did I fail her in anyway?  Did I increase her pain when I made bad choices and she sent me to my room? 

* What about my friend? I had played with him at his house just weeks before he took his life. Could I have been a better friend? Did I fail him in anyway?

* Will I ever let anyone close to my heart again? I mean, truly close?  How much do I keep my wife and kids at a distance? Is it for me or for them? 

 I know I’m a great guy, I’ve come to learn who I am. Still, there are memories to work through. There are stories to rewrite my perspective on. 

 A major difference between my situation and the children we are adopting: 

rejection/relinquishment by a birth parent. 

This is something I’ve never had to experience or will ever fully understand. I know it will not be relinquishment because of the child. It will be he incapability of the birth parent or parents.   But, just because I know that doesn’t mean their subconscious will think differently. 

It will take a lot of working love to help our children know who they are and overcome any shame they may be feeling because of other people’s choices or simply because of life. 

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